What’s Open For Business On The Fourth Of July?

If you live in the United States, then today is when you celebrate Independence Day, not the Will Smith movie, but that time we made our own Brexit. People traditionally play with fireworks and eat barbecued meats, but there are certain things you just can’t do on the Fourth.

Fireworks should still fall under shit you can do.

Municipal, state, and federal offices are closed, meaning you cannot go to the bank or to the post office. However, there should be some places that are still open. These include should include supermarkets and certain other retail stores, depending on the owners’ discretion. But one commodity, and the places that sell it, are still expected to be open on America’s birthday of sorts… liquor.

You can always place your faith in liquor.

That’s right, bars, taverns, all sort of watering holes and even liquor stores! And I do mean liquor stores, which aren’t social places by nature…which means that the poor shopkeeper is going out of his or her way to keep you happy! And by default, some of those aforementioned supermarkets might be selling liquor and other alcoholic beverages, too, depending on what state you live in!

And by “expected,” we mean don’t send us letters if you find ones that are not open. And if you do decide to indulge with some good ol’ bottles of doctor good, please drink responsibly.

Unless you’re a Futurama robot, then it would be irresponsible not to get drunk off your ass.

And I almost forgot our holiday song. Let’s see… something distinctly American. Let’s go with a song called America

Sure, I already played this song in a previous story, but technically it was the censored movie version. Mae West was right, you can sure get rich off that shit.

But maybe, for once, I should do something for the kiddies… and maybe their hipster parents, too. Let’s go old school and have some good ol’ School House Rock…

Man, I love that line about making the sky looking like a “birthday cake.” The kids talking in the end is too cutesy for my tastes, but who cares…

Anyway, Happy Fourth of July!

[Boston Globe]

This Jersey Boy's a graduate of Rutgers University, but his heart will always belong to his hometown of Manhattan. And it's pronounced "Wit-2"...maybe, I should trademark that...

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