Screw Corgis! The Russian Military Has Moved On To Dolphins

A Moscow aquarium recently made a $26,000 contract agreement to supply the Russian Military with bottle-nose dolphins. You can tell those corgis to step aside, unless of course, the plan was to feed them to the dolphins, all along.

It’s been said before and I’ll say it again…The Simpsons called it.

The Russians are going to be quite picky about the dolphins and, according to one press release, the devilish creatures are all “with all teeth intact … [and] no mucus from the blowhole.” The military will obtain the dolphins by August, possibly from Miami’s water tank… just don’t tell Ace.

Let’s just hope all they want to do is host a dolphin beauty pageant… but that’s probably me being too hopeful, isn’t it?

Russian government is keeping it under-wraps on what exactly these dolphins are going to be used for. Between their known love of molesting humans and killing their own young (as to practice killing baby porpoises) dolphins can be scary. During the Cold War, there had been plans on both sides, the American and the Soviet Union, to train dolphins to be used as spies, with such tasks as to include “detecting mines, patrolling waters and even harpooning enemy divers.

Beware the Delphinidae!

Such plans had previously been abandoned, although Ukrainian forces had tried to revive the program around 2012. That  project was later  abandoned in 2014 due to a combination of Russian forces seizing the project, budget issues, and the simple claim that “dolphins are not a military asset.” It had been suspected at the time that the Russians would employ the dolphins for their own purposes, but now only time will tell.

On the other hand, the American Navy actually does use patrol dolphins, claiming that, “But just as the dog’s keen sense of smell makes it ideal for detecting land mines, the U.S. Navy has found that the biological sonar of dolphins, called echolocation, makes them uniquely effective at locating sea mines so they can be avoided or removed. Other marine mammals like the California sea lion also have demonstrated the ability to mark and retrieve objects for the Navy in the ocean.

So, in other words, if the Russians attack, there may still be hope for us all.


This Jersey Boy's a graduate of Rutgers University, but his heart will always belong to his hometown of Manhattan. And it's pronounced "Wit-2"...maybe, I should trademark that...