Harvard Study Claims Attractive People Suck At This

Attractive people tend to have it easier in life. They have better social lives, get better jobs, and can get away with murder in court (among other things).

Stories like ‘Cinderella,’ ‘Beauty and the Beast,’ and ‘The Frog Prince’ tell us that a person’s spirit is what truly matters in the end, but then screw it up by having the outcast protagonist end up conventionally attractive as a happy ending. Sure, we’ve all heard the expression, “beauty is a curse,” but who the hell are we kidding?

Then again, a recent Harvard Study claims that attractive people are at a disadvantage when it comes to this thing: relationships.

You know, I don’t really like to use the expression, “Check Your Privilege,” but this seems like a good time to use it.

Researchers at Harvard University, the University of La Verne, and Santa Clara University conducted four separate studies to better understand the mechanics of being one of the beautiful people, and I really need to look into just how people get funding for these studies.

In the first study, which employed the services of 238 individuals, researchers found that people who were attractive in high school married for shorter durations and were more likely to divorce, which is kind of redundant unless they also tend to kill their spouses after a short period. The second study looked at a bunch of IMDb profiles and found that attractive celebrities are also likely to have bad marriages. The third and fourth studies claimed that the reason for this stems from an increased sense of threat when one partner of a couple is pretty.

In other words, the more attractive among us are the more likely to cheat. No, really, who the hell would have guessed that?

Yeah, spend money paying people to waste time on IMDb for hours on end…’cause it’s not like people do that for free.

These findings suggest that being physically attractive is not without its relational liabilities,” the study authors proclaimed, likely whist celebrating for joy that being attractive is not without its faults.

Wow, it is almost as if privilege, especially in its most basic form, has a corruptible nature that ruins a person’s character. Or, dare I say, people who don’t have things handed to them in life actually have to work hard and develop character just to survive. It’s a wonderful thing the best and brightest of Harvard and Santa Clara are putting such time and effort into finding this stuff out for us.

What would we ever do without them?

Their next study will involve taking Buzzfeed quizzes to find out why attractive people only talk to other people just to laugh at them.


This Jersey Boy's a graduate of Rutgers University, but his heart will always belong to his hometown of Manhattan. And it's pronounced "Wit-2"...maybe, I should trademark that...