No, Ted Cruz Is Not The Zodiac Killer… We Think

Remember a while ago when we talked about how voters wanted to blow up Agrabah, the fictional country Disney’s Aladdin took place in that doesn’t actually exist? Well, they’ve done it again.

Now there’s a minority of voters who think that Ted Cruz is the zodiac killer. To their credit, only 10% of voters felt this way… albeit 28% were unsure. We get it, he looks creepy… okay, I see where they’re going with this. But to be fair, we went with a close-up, and nobody can pull that off.

On the plus side, it’s still less than half…

As Gawker explains:

A new national survey from Public Policy Polling has confirmed what we all already knew to be true: As far as a good portion of the American public is concerned, Ted Cruz might as well be the Zodiac killer…PPP surveyed over 1,000 registered voters total, and of those people, an alarming number were not just suspicious but confident that man with too much skin Ted Cruz was, in fact, the Zodiac Killer.”

We’re not sure what the PPP thinks they’re accomplishing by playing these tricks on the voters, but maybe they want to ruin Cruz’s reputation. Ironically enough, a later poll, as seen below, gave him 10% out of all the Republican candidates.

Before we get into that, however, I think it would be a good idea to showcase this little documentary explaining who the Zodiac Killer was. It was taken from the History channel, but sadly no aliens were involved. Also, Cruz is too young to be the Zodiac Killer. You see, if he was a full grown man in the 1960’s then simple math tells us that he couldn’t have been born in 1970, like Cruz actually was.

That said, Mr. Trump is still in the lead for the Republican nomination. Personally, I liked Marco Rubio… his name rhymes, people. That’s almost as good as having a palindrome for a last name. But in all honesty, I can only back a political party that will support installing me as the rightful king of the Americas.

Which means my scheme to run as the write-in candidate will only get me 7%…I’ve never been so popular! I’ll do it!


This Jersey Boy's a graduate of Rutgers University, but his heart will always belong to his hometown of Manhattan. And it's pronounced "Wit-2"...maybe, I should trademark that...