East Coast Prepares For ‘Historic’ Snowstorm

According to recent reports, the East Coast is about to endure one of the worst winter storms in history. You know, I used to complain that it never snows in New Jersey on Christmas… and that it’s all a sign that the state is secretly ruled by the White Witch. In hindsight, I now realize I should have kept my mouth shut.

Then again, a snow-storm wouldn’t negate her involvement, now would it?

Winter storm Jonas, and its southern cousin Ilias, are coming. At the very least, the East Coast is expected to get two feet of snow, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg… pun intended. There are going to be wind-storms and, as Gizmodo reports, “If NWS expectations for New York and the lower coastline [i.e. New Jersey] seem vague in terms of expected snowfall, they are pretty precise about how windy things were going to get. Wind gusts at slightly below hurricane-force (50 mph) levels are likely to appear along the coast on Saturday.

I’d like to say that I lived a good life…but it’s probably not a good idea to start lying right before I meet my maker.

To make matters worse, there’s going to be a full moon as well. In addition to causing New Jersey’s werewolf problem, the full moon will effect the tides and floods are expected in the coastal areas. In fact, some areas already have high water levels. Here, watch an educational video explaining just why we’re doomed.

Power outages are expected, and lives will be likely claimed… most likely in the super markets where people are going absolutely mental. The storm is expected to effect 85 million people, which is worth noting becayse at least five lives in the southern states have been claimed by the storms already. As the Associated Press reports, “Officials are warning people to stay off roads as the blizzard makes its way across the East Coast. In Carter County in Tennessee, authorities say a couple was in a vehicle that slid off an icy road and plummeted down a 300-foot embankment in Tennessee, killing the woman driver.” Those on the East Coast can expect to be housebound over the weekend.

To all my devoted readers, if I do not survive this icy inferno… wait, not inferno… you know what I’m getting at… just remember that I love you all and for you to take joy in the fact that, being dead, at least I will never have to live in New Jersey ever again. To all the poor others stuck in the East Coast, know that while I can’t wave my magic wand and save you all… at least I can give you this parting song, ’cause it sure would be nice to be safe and warm:


This Jersey Boy's a graduate of Rutgers University, but his heart will always belong to his hometown of Manhattan. And it's pronounced "Wit-2"...maybe, I should trademark that...