Join ISIS? Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That

Ahh, the holidays.  A time when you spend time with your family, your friends, and get recruited by ISIS.

Wait, what?

Earlier this week, ISIS leader Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi sent out a call to all potential ISIS recruits to join the terrorist organization in their global jihad. This call was then translated by anti-oppression activist Iyad El-Baghdadi and posted on Twitter. One of the most popular sections of the translated call involved Al-Baghdadi’s plea for all Muslims to join the fight.

As seemingly ‘convincing’ as this plea was, many Muslims from all over the world felt that joining an international terrorist organization was not in their best interests, especially around the holidays. Here are some of the reasons why Muslims from around the globe were unable to join ISIS over this extended holiday period.

Concern Over The ISIS Dental Plan 

Concerns About The ISIS Training Regimen

Needed Parental Permission

Online Weapons Training Taking Longer Than Expected

Concern Over The Guy-To-Girl Ratio Of The Organization

Holiday Plans Getting In The Way

The Impending Release Of Prominent Television Dramas

The Question We All Need Answered

And, Of Course, Impending Issues Revolving Around The Star Wars Universe

Better luck for your next round of recruiting, ISIS. You scrubs.

Trevor LaFauci is a political junkie who is trying to become the first person ever to change someone's mind by posting political links on Facebook. In addition, he considers himself a cross between fictional characters Jeb Bartlett of The West Wing and Frank Underwood of House of Cards. He can be found stealing coffee shop WiFi in Sacramento, California.