United States May End Wild Ban On Illegal Haggis

Haggis, the infamous ambrosia of the Scots, has often been made a joke in American films and television, due in part to being the heart, lungs, and liver of a sheep sewn into its stomach.

To be fair, Americans do not really eat sheep that much as it were. But it might still be a surprise for many stateside to know that it is actually illegal to export Scottish haggis to the Americas. That said, sources indicate that the States may lift the ban, and soon.

And if it fails to catch on, the Scots will just do what they always do and blame the Irish.

The ban comes in part from laws mandating that “livestock lungs shall not be saved for use as human food” and this was later enforced by a 1997 law which banned British lamb products. It also didn’t help that beef and pork manufacturers were promoting their products in the States during the ’80s, which you remember from those “Pork is the Other White Meat” campaign. However, Scottish officials have announced that the U.S. may consider lifting the ban as early as “during the first half of next year.”

I am not saying that Shari Lewis was a puppet for American chicken farmers, but she did lobby Congress.

And, look, that whole “four legs good, two legs bad” chant was creepy the first time…

But, as aforementioned, haggis has become something of an anathema to Americans. As TV chef and presenter Anthony Bourdain said in a released statement, “There is no more unfavorably reviled food on Earth than haggis. Its ingredients are in fact no more unusual, or bizarre, or unappetising, than any hot dog you ever ate. How many anal glands are there in a chicken nugget?” That campaign to trick Westerners into thinking that haggis actually is made from a rabbit-like creature with the same name, and not an actual lamb carcass, has not proven beneficial either.

The haggis beast is just something people make up to scare tourists like drop bears or Vegemite.

The haggis beast is just something people make up to scare tourists, like drop bears or Vegemite.

That said, there are 5.3 million Scottish Americans, so it could be good business to lift the ban. Now if they could only tell us the answer to the age old question: if pork was the other white meat, then what is the normal white meat? And what was that other “other white meat” that pork tried to supplant? And if McDonalds is finally making nuggets out of white breast meat, what the hell were they made of before?


This Jersey Boy's a graduate of Rutgers University, but his heart will always belong to his hometown of Manhattan. And it's pronounced "Wit-2"...maybe, I should trademark that...