Ted Cruz Rocked By The Least Sexy Sex Scandal Ever

Ah, Easter.

A time when families get together for good food and good friendship. Where children reconnect with their cousins and go out and play on a beautiful afternoon. Where parents regale each other with humorous stories about child rearing. Where grandparents laugh and share in the love of their extended families and where everyone sits around the dinner table to discuss things like sports, the weather, and a presidential candidate engaged in a sex scandal.

Wait, what?!?!


Um, Nana, you might want to turn off your hearing aid for the next few minutes

Late last night at the bewitching hour, the Twitterverse exploded as news broke that alleged Republican and only-hope-to-save-the-GOP-from-Donald Trump candidate Ted Cruz had been engaged in at least five extramarital affairs. The source of this comes from everybody’s favorite tabloid, The National Enquirer, so folks were initially skeptical of what would appear to be an outrageous claim. However, the author of the piece in question is J.R. Taylor, who worked on the tabloid’s reporting of the John Edwards scandal in 2007 which led to two Pulitzer Prize nominations for investigative reporting. In addition, The National Enquirer was actually ahead of the game when it came to reporting on both the O.J. Simpson murder saga as well as the deteriorating health of Steve Jobs.

Can lightning strike a fourth time?

Ted Cruz is already vehemently denying the allegations, claiming they are “garbage” and that the story was planted by Donald Trump and his “henchmen.” As a response on his Facebook page, Donald Trump maintained his innocence, but casually mentioned that The National Enquirer has previously reported things that ended up being true and that he hoped for Cruz’s sake that this was not the case. There has been massive media speculation as to who the five women were, and it looks like this weekend rather than searching for eggs, journalists and reporters will be looking for five adulterous women instead.

red light district

Being paid to look for loose women on Easter? Best. Holiday. Ever!

As skeptical as we should be of this story, there seems to be early speculation that at least part of it may, in fact, be true. Several conservative news outlets have revealed that, at the very least, there existed rumors about Cruz’s alleged infidelity. Drew Johnson of The Washington Times tweeted that at least two of the alleged affairs were legit, and Allum Bokhari of Breitbart expressed his frustration about “being scooped.” Many believe this is referring to the notion that Breitbart may have had knowledge about the alleged affairs, but refused to release anything for fear of being seen as unfairly influencing the election.

In addition, it is also being reported that several members of Marco Rubio’s campaign staff were aware of these alleged allegations, so much so that they referred to it as #TheThing and were pushing for the information to be released ahead of the primary voting on March 15th.

the thing

You mean the Rubio campaign aren’t huge fans of the Fantastic 4???

At this point, it’s way too early to jump to conclusions. However, over the next couple weeks we should expect a huge firestorm to engulf the media and political world. As much fun as they’ve been having with with Trump and Cruz bickering over each other’s wives, a potential sex scandal is likely to become a ratings bonanza!

Even if the sex scandal in question involves someone as creepy looking as Ted Cruz.

cruz creepy

Think unsexy thoughts. Ted Cruz naked on a cold day, Ted Cruz naked on a cold day…

Trevor LaFauci is a political junkie who is trying to become the first person ever to change someone's mind by posting political links on Facebook. In addition, he considers himself a cross between fictional characters Jeb Bartlett of The West Wing and Frank Underwood of House of Cards. He can be found stealing coffee shop WiFi in Sacramento, California.