A Viral Pirate Breakdown Of The U.S. Election

My fellow Americans, and even those of you based outside the United States, by now you’ve surely heard the news regarding who will take office after Obama’s term is up.

Now, we all know that this is a complicated time for many of you, so we’ll try to explain what happened in a calm and bipartisan manner, unlike certain other websites that shall remain nameless.

I wonder if all those celebrities were serious about moving to Canada?

I wonder if all those celebrities were serious about moving to Canada?

1. Donald Trump will be our next President

evil trump

Unless he dies or abdicates in the short interval between now and the time it will take him to ascend the throne, as it were, Donald Trump has won the electoral college and will be our next President. Though it should be noted that not everyone who voted for him supports his ideologies, open sexism or bigotry — many were just willing to overlook them for the sake of getting someone who isn’t a politician in the White House.

Also, around 43% of the country didn’t even bother to vote, so the collective ideology of “my vote doesn’t matter,” and the large number of people unable to vote for whatever reason surely played its part.

2. Republicans have taken the U.S. House and Senate


Even if something were to happen to Trump, his running mate would become President instead. What’s more, the Republicans have won not twice, but thrice this time around with a 239 and 51 majority, respectively. This will give him an easier time when it comes to policymaking and generally Presidential debauchery… unless Republicans stick to their anti-Trump mantra.

3. Hillary Clinton will [most likely] win the popular vote

Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton testifies before the House Select Committee on Benghazi October 22, 2015 on Capitol Hill in Washington, DC. The committee held a hearing to continue its investigation on the attack that killed Ambassador Chris Stevens and three other Americans at theÊdiplomatic compound in Benghazi, Libya,Êon the evening of September 11, 2012.

Early reports of the election suggested that Trump may have won both the popular vote (which just to be clear, is utterly meaningless) and the electoral college (which to put simply, means that some states have votes that count more than others). However, it now appears that Clinton may have won the popular vote, with a 59,814,018 to 59,611,678 margin.

4. Trump won over various “swing-states”


Surprisingly, Trump’s win actually comes mostly from winning over the majority in various states like Virginia, North Carolina, Pennsylvania, and Florida. As “swing-states,” they are traditionally hard to pin down with their political alliances, and notably many of them opposed Romney in the previous election. His success in the “Rust Belt” also played a crucial part in his win.

5. We have no idea why the polls made it seem like Clinton was in the lead


To be fair, Clinton was technically in the lead when it came to the popular vote, but obviously a lot of people supported Trump for him to have still won, and the electoral college should have been accounted for. There are many theories as to why this whole thing had such a twist ending. One theory suggests that Trump’s eventual voters may have been too shy to answer various polls that would have shown their numbers.

The media’s vocal campaign to get people to vote led to Trump voters who were not normally accounted for in previous elections getting ignored in polls. Finally, it is entirely possible that people changed their minds at the last second (as strange as it may sound, there is some validity to this, as Pennsylvania was thought to have supported Clinton until the last second.)

6. “The Simpsons” predicted all this!

Now, one positive thing that came from all this on both sides of the argument is that we have proof that the American people are no longer swayed by the rich and famous. The Hollywood elite wanted Clinton in power and advocated for such (which, if the aforementioned “vote or die” theory is true, backfired horribly for them), but it came to naught. That said, we still have proof that we can always place our faith in “The Simpsons,” as they predicted Trump’s presidency years ago.

7. People really want Michelle LaVaughn Robinson Obama to run next time around

Just because we don’t have a female President just yet does not mean it ain’t gonna happen, and people have their eyes on yet another First Lady to become our first Madame President.

This also means that we have at least four more years to come up with an appropriate name for a male First Lady. First Lord is a tad presumptuous, and First Gentleman is a tad wordy. And don’t get me started on First Man or First Dude… some people should be shot and quartered for their crimes against the mother-tongue of the Immortal Bard.

This Jersey Boy's a graduate of Rutgers University, but his heart will always belong to his hometown of Manhattan. And it's pronounced "Wit-2"...maybe, I should trademark that...