An 800-Year-Old Batman Was Behind An Unsolved Mystery

I cannot stress this enough… delete your browser history. And then burn your computer back to Hell where it belongs. After a skeleton unearthed an 800-year-old crime, it can safely be said that no crime is safe from being found out.

Sure, the stature of limitation has probably passed, but it still ended up a news story.

Sure, the statute of limitation has probably passed, but it still ended up a news story. The gall! The utter gall!

Now, two years ago in that crazy place we call Australia, a skeleton had been unearthed and it possessed a long gash its skull. Scientists were able to deduce that the remains belonged to a man who was either a twenty-something or a thirty-something. They were even able to figure out his last meal, which was a mix between crayfish and possum, and I pray to all that is holy that they found out by finding bits of the stuff in his teeth.

We even knew that his name was Kaakutja! And yet, scientists were still unsure how he actually met his maker. The team was able to uncover that it had been some sort of metal weapon, but that would mean ancient Australians had access to time travel, since that technology was not readily available in Australasia during that point in history. One would assume the bunyip is somehow involved, scourge of the Outback that he is, but science has proven it was not, in fact, the bunyip.

And yet, while the bunyip’s involvement is unconfirmed, the answer is still unabashedly, quintessentially Australian.

Dun...dun...DUNN!

Dun…dun…DUNN!

Originally, stone axes were suspected, but now the boomerang is generally agreed upon as being the culprit’s weapon of choice. As the corpse had no defensive wounds, it is expected that he died during a surprise attack.

As researchers explained, “The nature and expression of trauma suggests that some edged weapons from traditional Aboriginal culture had the capacity to inflict injuries similar to those produced by edged metal weapons.” Reportedly, scientists hope that they can use the information gathered from this nearly millenia-lasting murder mystery to unearth (pun intended) to learn more about early Australian culture.

And hopefully, we will have all the information we need to in the modern age to finally escape the clutches of the bunyip.

[Mirror]

This Jersey Boy's a graduate of Rutgers University, but his heart will always belong to his hometown of Manhattan. And it's pronounced "Wit-2"...maybe, I should trademark that...

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